Worldwide press release. 9 February 2015. The lang cat, (probably) Leith’s leading independent platform, pensions and investment consultancy is delighted “no, scrub that” tumescent to announce three new additions of financial services misfits to its burgeoning ranks.

Terry Huddart will join the lang cat Market Intelligentsia team on 16 March. He will be tasked with extending the lang cat’s infamous capacity for market insight and rudimentary arithmetic, complementing the current combination of adding, subtracting and dividing with the crucial skill of timesing. Terry brings with him a whole heap of baggage having worked for various reputable financial services companies over the years, and Nucleus.

Shona McCowan joins the team at the end of February. Shona will be Mark Polson’s PA. It’s important at this time of tremendous growth that the principal of the lang cat feels important enough to warrant special attention. Shona’s main task will be to stroke Mark’s already-inflated ego and keep him out of mischief, and/or prison. Shona joins from a seven year stint at Aegon UK where she was a PA for industry luminaries, Nick Dixon and Steven Cameron. The lang cat has agreed to fund an experimental medical treatment to expunge Shona’s memory of her recent work experiences.

Jeff Salway is an award winning financial journalist and current Financial Services Consumer Panel member. He is also Welsh. Despite these obvious character flaws, the lang cat has still reluctantly agreed to take Jeff on for a couple of days a week. We’re hopeful that Jeff will be able to help the lang cat write better and stuff. 

Mark Polson, principal of the lang cat, said: It remains a source of pleasure, pride and consternation to me that so many high quality misfits are willing to drag their sorry carcasses into the lang cat on nothing more than a promise of poor conditions and sustained and relentless personal abuse. Mind you, the coffee’s not bad so, y-know, swings and roundabouts and all that.

When asked to comment on the imminent departure of one of his key members of staff, David Ferguson, Chief Executive of Nucleus, said: Terry who? Life companies are rubbish. Did you know we have #bigplans and Terry McDermott wasn’t part of them?